This is it.

I almost posted just the title. Me and keyboards!

But better I should elaborate. Just because I want to.

Depending on how you read that phrase, "This is it", it could sound either definitive and bland, or positively explosive and indicative of celebration. I mean it as the latter. You could put music behind it. And it takes off from my last post. So, let's segue, shall we?

Tonight I was walking home from Kay and Dave's with my kids and I really stopped to smell the roses. Does it get any better? This IS the modern day Donna Reed show I was yearning for.

Milly and I picked up AnnaLeah (my "new" daughter) who has just returned from Scotland and brought her home. Whereupon, A~L and the ecstatically surprised Alice took off for a photo shoot at Pali High. 15 minutes later Sunny dropped Jake off to hang out and sleep over. She was headed to a tennis exhibition. Dan came home and at A~L's request we walked into town for dinner. I used to walk to town a lot with the kids to have dinner. I like it. We had a great dinner. Jake and Milly had a table to themselves. The 4 of us had such a great time, talking, laughing, being together. Then we walked home, 2 by 2 by 2. And it struck me what a great and fabulous life this is. This is all I ever wanted. This is so great to have and enjoy.

Good night good people.

D I V O R C E

I guess it's because I grew up in the Donna Reed era. I believed in everything being forever. After all, my parents were married forever. We lived in the same house forever. My Dad had the same job forever. You know, it followed. So, when I got married, I just assumed it would be forever. And I was older when I got married, a ripe old 36. Presumably I knew what I was doing. While I won't go into the marriage or the relationship (yet), that's for another blog, somewhere down the line, I realized that this wasn't how I wanted to live my life, FOREVER. It wasn't the marriage I'd always hoped for. Yet, I maintained a sense of duty, of obligation, of commitment largely, as cliche as it sounds, for the children.

But it wasn't up to me. My husband left me. My initial reaction was absolute PANIC. I had a panic attack. Security, gone. Certainty, gone. Family, gone. Stability, gone. As I concluded later, I was shocked, but not surprised. For the last 5 years of my marriage, I guess I really knew that he'd leave. I was walking on eggshells. So, finally the eggshell had cracked.

My friends rallied. They listened, they comforted, they supported. Everyone assured me that I would be fine, in fact I'd be better than I'd ever been, happier. Upon hearing my fears of being a single parent, my sister said, "but Judy, you already are a single parent." A light went off. I really had been living the single life for years. And, it was fine.

A new feeling took the place of the panic. Relief. And an almost joyful anticipation. I remember walking around my house thinking about all the things that would be easier if I didn't have someone questioning me, criticizing me, second guessing me, and most of all, making me doubt myself at all turns. I made lists of all the ways in which things would be better.

I came to realize that my preconceived notions of divorce were really wrong. That it meant failure. That it would be the worst possible outcome for my children. A bad marriage SHOULD NOT BE FOREVER. Why punish everyone? It wasn't that we'd made a wrong choice from the beginning. My two amazing children are the proof of that. Rather that, somewhere along the way, our paths couldn't merge. As to who diverged from the marriage path is really not relevant. But diverge they did. So my childish notions of forever needed updating. Flexibility is more adaptive. Divorce needed a new attitude, one in which stigma isn't attached. That takes some real mental wrangling, but I'm living proof that sometimes it's the most thoughtful, psychologically healthy outcome.

And the really good news is, it only took me about 5 days for the clarity to come.

And, the rest is a story for another time.

Good day good people.

I promise a funnier blog next time.

What's it all about Alphie?

So many things to talk about. Where do I begin? What direction should I take?

The virtues of remarriage? that's a rich subject

The benefits of divorce? that's a minefield

The joys of stay at home motherhood? most days that would be easy

The annoyance of being on a diet while experiencing menopause? why bother (but I'm sure I will)

The anxiety of how to become a working person again someday? Yikes, but I think about it alot.

The frustration of seeing my invention ideas realized without me? I'm crying, but buying.

If only there was a way of transcribing my insomniac mind ramblings into print when they strike me at 2 or 3 in the morning. I usually don't want to even open my eyes to see what time it is. You know how there's a voice command that types? (I'm sure there's a more technical term for it, but I wouldn't know what that is), well, I need a thought transcriber. Now, when i'm actually awake and functional, the good stuff isn't flowing as much as it was last night.

But I'm going to stick with it. I hope you will too.

Good night good people. Forget this immediately.

Fucked up on the first try

Well, so much for this blogging stuff. As with many things, I didn't read the manual. I'm pretty sure that my very first post was a blank page. And as with many things, I don't really know what I'm doing. A "friendly" cynic said that blogs were for people who had nothing to say, but liked to talk a lot. I guess that describes me. I don't know much, can't remember facts, well educated, but rather forgetful and never sure of anything I think. therefore I really shouldn't blog.

But, on the other hand (as Tevye would say) maybe I have a thread of common sense, an insight into the common experience and a twinge of humor at my disposal. So, why shouldn't I blog? I think the cynic mentioned above should never read this, or he will surely experience ad nauseum. And, that would be fine. For the rest of anyone, read, enjoy, chuckle if you feel like it and then let it go right out of your head. I'm not out to impress anyone, but my father. This whole thing was his idea.

I don't know what I'll blog on, but I promise, I will blog on.

Good night good people and forget this immediately.