Friday, November 20, 2009
ok, ok, I'm lured back
I"m such a whore for praise. Just one person saying, oh, don't quit, I like reading it, and voila, I'm back. So, that leads me to wonder why I do, like the praise and all? Well, it could be said, who doesn't like praise and acknowledgment? There are those who say I don't care what anybody else thinks. I don't know what planet they came from. I semi-admire them, but on the whole, I can't relate. I like praise so much I even like it when someone clicks "likes this" on my Facebook page. I am bummed when i can't come up with a status line that I think will draw someone's approval. (ok, now I'll be suspiscious that people will say they like my status lines just because of this. - oh, wait, I forgot, no one really reads this, so maybe I'm safe).
Now, that begs the question, am I fundamentally insecure? of course. But, maybe not of course. I think that by this time, at this age (53, and proud to be so) I've come to a place of acceptance on the whole. Not complacency (shit, that would be death). But, overall acceptance. I'm who I am, and this is probably who I'll be for the duration. I may accomplish a few more things in my life time, and I guarantee I'll grow in knowledge, experience, enlightenment and girth, but the fundamental elements seem pretty well established.
I credit this acceptance to, of all things, a Sikh Yoga instructor. I had just had Milly and was attending some post natal yoga & meditation classes. All my life I'd thought, if I could just gain confidence, wow, I'd be a powerhouse. As though it were some kind of mental and emotional plateau that one finally stepped over and onto, and then stayed on for the rest of life's journey. Well, Gurmukh said in passing one day, a woman's mood is like the tides. It can change every 3 days. One day, happy & high, then three days later, low and uneven. A light went on for me. It was that ebb & flow aspect of mood and confidence which had been throwing me for a loop. I immediately thought about my place in life. One day content and strong, the next, insecure and afraid. It wasn't that my core capabilities had changed, it was my attitude, my emotional filter that had shifted. This put me so much at ease. I felt that I'd finally arrived. And lest you think I'm back on that plateau thing, no. Arrival now had more to do with movement, less to do with stability.
So, you ask, what does that have to do with where I started this blog? I guess it comes down to deciding to start some new avenues of challenge for myself, and deciding that I will accept the encouragement of those of you who have given it, and write on. Right on. Thanks.
This may be the start of something big, it might be a sculpting of my thoughts into cohesive publication of ????? But it allows me to get it onto a tangible format. And for that, I like you for liking me and together we might like whatever comes our way.